Carry On…

“Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.” ― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

I have an infection. A bad one. My pelvic lymph nodes are infected and the infection has spread. Needless to say I feel horrible…but I am NOT defeated.

I am so grateful for my changed eating habits. I think they are the only things keeping me going health wise right now. I eat a lot of fiber, drink a lot of water, eat a lot of vegetables, moderate portions, etc. If I was eating the way I was a few months ago I have no doubt I would be far worse off than I am right now.

There is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.

There is always a smile to wash away the stain the darkness.

There is always a shoulder to lean against when life’s burdens become too much.

I am grateful for my children, even when they drive me up the wall (I’m looking at you 17 year old child of mine who spams me on my phone).

I am so incredibly grateful for my youngest’s smile – he brightens up my mood in ways I can’t describe.

I am so grateful to my health providers, my nutritionist, my husband – they are the shoulder I lean on and I know I have been leaning a lot lately.

I am grateful I have some answers now as to why I have been feeling so run down. A light has finally appeared.

Kansas – Carry on my Wayward Son

One stride at a time in the rain

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss (Source: Goodreads)

Depression. Such a dirty word. Isn’t it? It can tear down even the most robust of dreams and strip it down to dust. No one wants to talk about it, and they certainly don’t want to hear about it.

Just be happy! Just smile! It’s not that bad! Silver linings, rainbows and all that jazz.

Just no.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”
Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl (Source: Goodreads)

It seems strange to me, living in my privileged life (privileged in that I have never had to fight for my life, food, or home), that I have such a hard time seeing the beauty around me at my low times. I should always be grateful for what I have. I have 3 beautiful, wonderful children. I have a home, I have a wonderful husband, dear friends, pets that I adore. Yet, I sometimes feel so much darkness inside that it erodes at everything…my ability to feel, hope, dream, work, everything. I hate it.

Very few who know me personally would notice that side of me. I’m bubbly, appear extroverted and confident – there’s my mask.

It’s so much easier to escape into a daydream than worry about the day.

I think this rainy day has taken an unforeseen toll on me. I didn’t realize I was in such a dour mood. I do have hope though. Hope that I can work through it all. I am also realizing that a part of my mood today is that pain I am in (physical that is). I have a constant ache in my lower back on the right side from my fall last week. I’m almost out of anti-inflammatories and will have to switch to OTC ones. I’m tired, I’m sookie, I just want to snuggle with my youngest and rest. I can’t though, I have to work. I’ve missed too many days already.

This is when I need to harness what little will power I have and try to avoid stress eating. My worse habit if I do say so myself. I’m in pain, feeling very low and all I want are sweets. Gah!

Les Misérables, Samantha Barks – On My Own