Tag: Spring

No Rain

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

It’s Friday, the sun is rising earlier each day, the snow is melting, and for the first time in MONTHS I feel fucking good mentally.

I’m legitimately having a good mental health day. Why? No fucking clue! Russia invaded Ukraine (fuck you Putin), the world feels like it’s on fire, and somehow this North American (Canadian) chick is in a good place.

I’m exhausted, my lungs are not great, but my mind is happy. This is huge for me. I can’t even really explain it. Good days are rare, days where I want to smile and no have to force it. I’m considering asking my psychiatrist about going off my medications and do a reset of sorts. That thought scares me as I know how horrible my anxiety and depression can get. The hyper fixation on negative things, the self-harm thoughts, the paranoia. It’s horrible.

I’m pretty sure my depression started as situational. But then I was hammered with stress after stress until my body said enough. It triggered my MS, and I’ve had a doctor wonder if the lesions from my MS are on the areas that control anxiety and depression. This would make sense as it ramped up a lot after MS. Mind you, depression is a co-morbidity to any chronic illness. I also have ADHD, body dysmorphia and a few other fun things (pretty sure I’ve mentioned them all before, but I’m tired and can’t remember! hahaha oh my).

I cannot wait to get my hands dirty in my gardens (not an euphemism!), feel the soil, plant seeds, trim and water, care for all that grows. I even have milkweed to plant this year!

I can’t wait for the scent of petrichor on a morning breeze. Sunlight dappling through leaves. Gentle trickles of water. The song of birds all around.

My yard has become my oasis in the storm of life. I can’t wait to embrace it again.

Blind Melon – No Rain

Let it Rain

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.” ― Bob Marley (Source: Goodreads).

“Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” ― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Acheron (Source: Goodreads).

It’s been raining all day. Ok, it’s been raining for a couple of days and it’s supposed to continue through tomorrow. It’s well needed as our province was under a no burn order (the woods were tinderboxes).

I love the rain. I love the smell of a Spring rain – the smell of clean earth, of new beginnings. Learning to dance in the rain, to feel it in all it’s glory takes time. One must weather many a storm to find that pristine moment in time that captures your heart, your mind and your spirit.

I say let it rain, let it pour down on me…I’m ready to dance.

Gene Kelly- Singing in the Rain (From Singing in the Rain)

The Anticipation is Killing me!

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

I can’t wait to go exploring in the parks.They don’t look like this yet, but will soon. Right now they are throwing off the mess of winter and rains. I’m not much of a Winter explorer, actually, I hardly stepped foot outside this year. I used to LOVE skiing, sliding, skating…but temperature extremes are hard for me now. I have a hard time warming up or cooling down depending on the season.

Look at this! The anticipation of getting out and smelling the earth and woods is killing me (figuratively speaking, of course)!

Summer day in O'Dell

I really hope to have the energy to put in a small garden this year. Maybe even plant some flowers. A butterfly mixture, put out my bird feeder again, maybe attract more than the bluejays and crows (that being said, I love both those species, especially the crows).

Sunshine! The shine off the water that blinds you, hum of insects, frogs croaking, the laughter of children filtering through the air.

Is it Summer yet?

Len – Steal My Sunshine

Colour My World

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add colour to my sunset sky.” – Rabindranath Tagore (Source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rabindrana153824).

Last night I took out my colour pencils and my mandala book and coloured. It felt wonderful. I love colour, I love to draw, to paint. I’m not great at any of those, but I love to do it. I think from now on I will make that a part of my daily routine – to paint, draw or colour before bed and during some point in a day as a form of meditation practice.

Spring has finally arrived in my neck of the world and it fills me with hope. I can’t wait to see the fireflies dancing in the summer nights, the chorus of frogs, birds, and insects filling the earth with their colourful songs and chirps. Breathing in the peace, breathing out the dark.

Delerium – Euphoria (Firefly):

Foggy in here

On By NB GwenIn The Journey2 Comments

Brain fog sucks. For anyone who experiences it, I really don’t think I need to explain why. At work, it causes me to make mistakes, and I hate making mistakes. I know no one is perfect and mistakes happen, but I’m a perfectionist and even small mistakes on my part drive me nutty.

Having the flu for five days this past week didn’t help either. Everyone in my house had it. Bathroom and bucket week. I’m still feeling drained, my head is numb and the fog has settled in. I’m starting to worry that I’m starting a flare up. I keep thinking if I just wait another day or two it will be gone. It’s not.

I want to sleep. I’m so exhausted. Trying to work is hard. But I do it. I have to. For my family. I am the primary earner, I have no choice. This week has been so hard. Between teens who are pushing boundaries, parent teacher interviews, toddler, work, flu, husband, taxes…broken vehicle in need of repair. Whine…whine…whine. Everyone has the same issues, just different landscapes. I need to move on and deal with it.

I honestly think that if the sun would stay out for more than a day and if all the damned snow would melt I would start to feel better mentally, which would lead to physical wellness. I love sunny days (not hot, just sunny).

I can’t wait to feel the grass beneath my feet and take my toddler to dance in the warm rains of a true Spring/Summer.

I can’t wait to build sandcastles in the sand and feel the cool waters of a lake surround my body.

I can’t wait for the smell of a nice campfire, the crackling of the wood, the taste of marshmallows melted down.

But wait I must.

Bonus – being sick has helped me lose 5 pounds. LOL