Downtown

“Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I’m feeling particularly nostalgic the last (very long) while. Listening to Downtown by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis makes me reminisce of the past – driving in my old Pontiac Acadian (cherry red, 4 door, 5 speed hatchback – loved that fucking car), sun blinding me and those tiny sun visors doing nothing to stop it. The smell of beach air, friends talking, dancing, singing, laughing.

Summer Shine summarises a bit, but the essence…oh that essence

Summer Shine

I love that summer shine
you know it
The sun so hot
the grass so cool
you just want to sit
in the shade just right
under the willow
The clouds so high
and barely there
you wish you could dive
into the blue sky
so inviting in the day
When the night comes
the stars shimmer so clear
the moon kisses them
until they disappear
into another summer shine day
No breeze to fly a kite
the hum of insects
frogs croaking
birds chirping
today is the day
of that summer shine
The reflection off the lake
strikes the eyes
and makes you blind
to that child that splashes
the water on you
It freezes and feels so good
Tip toe over the hot road
feet in the sand
make it to the beach
When the summer shine ends
the bonfire full roars
at that full moon
They sing and dance
filling the night
with an intensity
until the next
summer shine

My hand holds an Alpine, it’s starting to get too warm, but I don’t care. Later, we’ll head down to the green downtown. We’ll hang out on a blanket, so much laughter peeling out from our lungs.

Driving with the windows down, the gas gauge is broken, but it doesn’t matter. We’re together. We’re innocent. We don’t have cell phones, we don’t have computers. It’s just us, my old Pontiac Acadian, laughter, love, friendship. That guy I have the crush on is there, I’m wayyyy too shy and anxious to act on my feelings. Butterflies are floating like crazy in my stomach. My friend teases me, but she knows. They just get me.

I have trauma in that innocence, but it’s grip is soft. I’ve constant friends about me…I’m lonely, but it’s a warm loneliness. I don’t worry as much, I don’t feel like I’m imposing by existing. I’m the driver in my life and it’s pretty damn good (why didn’t I see that then?).

Now, present day. I have a constant yearning in my soul. I can’t pick it out. I can’t identify it. Constant anxiety, worry for my kids, worry for my husband, worry about this world. I’m overwhelmed. I’d love to go downtown, sit on the green and just soak up the sun. I want to hold that memory in a steel trap and never let it out. The grip of trauma has grown so much stronger. I’m constantly raw by it’s chaffing hold. I’m just a breath away from seeing that moment, that crisp feeling of wholeness. It sits just out of my sight, barely in the shadows, waiting for the sunlight to wake it, move it.

The wonder that once filled me has dimmed in the lights of age, but I know I can find it again. I know it’s there.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Downtown

Make It Bun Dem

I love this video. The song. I’m not sure why, but watching the teen bring rain and take out ‘the man’ is – hmmm – I think empowering is almost too strong a word, but it really makes me feel great, power speaking.

I need to create myself an empowerment music list. Something to help my motivation, keep my mood up, my anxiety down. Something to help me feel like the strong person I KNOW I have hiding inside me of.

Maybe it’s time to start listing them as I find them.

hmmm…maybe.

Skrillex & Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley – Make It Bun Dem

Silver Linings

“Stars can’t shine without darkness” D.H. Sidebottom, Fragile Truths (Source: Goodreads).

I love this quote. It’s the background on my tablet. What does that mean though? Well, for me – it basically means that without adversity, without problems, you won’t know how brilliant you are (metaphorically and intellectually speaking). If everything was light, you would never see yourself shine.

I’m hoping that’s my present truth. I feel like my silver linings are tarnishing. My shine is dimming. My health is dragging me down. I know I have it better than many. I keep telling myself that it’s useless to complain, even to myself. But I’m having a pity party today and I’m inviting everyone.

My ears are plugged, I’ve had dizzy spells while blowing my nose, I am 99.9% positive that my cold is now indeed a full blown infection (especially if the nose leavings are any proof). I have absolutely no energy and even sitting at my desk at work today is a testament of my strength.

There it is. I am strong. I am here, at work, sick as can be – but I am here. I am far stronger than I give myself credit for. I am far more capable than I believe. I may be physically fighting off some illness, but I am still strong.

That’s my silver lining for today. In my darkness, I see the star that I am, that I can be.

Loreena McKennitt – The Mystic’s Dream

I am not a mistake

Yes, you guessed it…I am still sick. So is my little man. The prednisone seems to be trying to work, but it also seems like my sinuses have begun a revolution of their own. It makes it hard to sleep…or function. At least I’m almost all caught up at work! That’s a great thing.

“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself. (p. 84)” Geneen Roth, Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything  (Source: Goodreads).

This quote struck me. It’s really something I need to remember. My kids love me. My husband loves me for who I am and nothing else. I am so fortunately. Maybe my health isn’t the best, but I have a roof over my head, food in fridge and cupboards, my kids are healthy. We are together and we are whole. That is so much more than many of the world has.

I need to remember to be grateful for what I do have. Grateful for everything around me. Grateful for where I live, and grateful for those who do love me for me.

Today I am most grateful for my parents who are not as young as they were. They are watching our youngest today who is too sick to go to daycare. My parents live next door to me. I would not trade that for the world. My children have had a retreat in times that they needed it in the form of their grandparents home. I could never pay them back for all that they have done for us.

Like A Girl

Dear Always,

Thank you. I love this new campaign. It actually brought me to tears as I was that girl, many years ago, made to feel weak and inferior even though I was strong and every bit as good as anyone else. Even as a now 40 year old mom, I am still made to feel this way due to my emotions, my gender, my size, my age, etc. I will be showing this to my daughter as she is struggling through teenage life. I also love how you made it about the women and girls and not about your brand.

Yours truly,

A mom still trying to heal old wounds.