Free Bird

“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” ― Leo TolstoyAnna Karenina

“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” ― Anne Frank

It’s been a while since I posted, I know. So much has been going on, so much happening.

I have three children.

My eldest was to graduate this year, she isn’t – and that is totally ok. She wasn’t ready, she definitely needed another year. No one is perfect. I love her unconditionally – she has to do what she has to do. She’s had a rough few years emotionally, mentally, and socially. She’s got this.

My middle child is in grade 10 (well, just finished). His challenges have expanded exponentially this year. We found out for sure that his birth mother drank while pregnant…a lot. This was that final key that fit the lock of who he is. Gawd I love my son. Gawd my son drains me so much. I’m not going to describe it all. It’s not fair to him to do so. Needless to say, No one is perfect. I love my son unconditionally, but I am exhausted. We all are.

My youngest child has yet to begin school. He’s four and won’t turn five until January. This means, in my area, that he won’t begin kindergarten until 2019. That’s fine with me. Children need to be able to be children. A few months back, my intrepid explorer of a son decided that climbing on his dresser was a great, fun idea. He slipped. He broke his right forearm – the ulna straight through, the tibia in several smaller cracks causing it to bow (it was horrid to see, my poor boy). It has healed wonderfully, but he is now scared of heights. It doesn’t stop him. It hasn’t slowed him down. Our family doctor said to us one day last year – don’t be surprised if he has ADHD as well (the older two do). All I could think was – no kidding! No one is perfect. I love my son unconditionally just the way he is. He has a lot to learn and I know he has got this!

I adopted a parrotlet. Kalypso (she has her own insta if you want to check her out @kalypsotheparrotlet) is sweet, tame, and so so so spoiled LOL! Just look at her! She was born February 5th, 2018 – so she just turned four months old ❤ I got her after losing one of my budgies, Lemondrop (RIP my sweet baby). I wanted a parrot species that would live longer, was heartier, and tame. Kalypso is all that and more. She makes me so happy.

Such a pretty baby ❤

I know this post seems random. I’m tired. I’m trying to dig myself out of a hole. It’s slowly working. Depression is a wicked attacker. I’m finally starting to win…this time.

What I really want to stand out from this – no one is perfect. Stop fighting to be perfect – fight to be happy, fight to feel amazing – but not perfect! Perfection is an illusion perpetuated by false perceptions of the world around us. Flawed, happy people are the best – they know what real happiness is. Love you for you.

Lynyrd Skynyrd – Free Bird

Sucker for Pain

“Dying is easy. Anyone can throw themselves onto the pyre and rest a happy martyr. Enduring the suffering that comes with sacrifice is the real test.” Jay Kristoff, Stormdancer

After my last post I began thinking of the mindset parents of high needs children have.

I feel that I am a sucker for pain. Not physical, but emotional. I love all my children unconditionally, but can easily state my youngest (who is not high needs) is by far the easiest of the three. Mind you, my older two are teens on top of high needs – it’s so complicated for them, my heart breaks.

Friends ask me why I don’t go out or go out often. The simple answer is this – I’m drained. I work full-time. I had a chronic illness. I have two amazing teens who have a complicated diagnosis of emotional, behavioural, and learning issues.  I won’t call them disabilities. They are both extremely intelligent (as the assessing therapist and teachers have all agreed). That intelligence is a part of what gets them in trouble the most ironically. The know a lot of ‘stuff’ but lack the tools (emotionally, maturity wise) to utilize the information appropriately.

That’s generalizing a lot. It’s not an every day occurrence. I find that some weeks they are fan-freaking-tastic. Other weeks – I swear the world leaders opted to have them duke out WWIII in my living room. They so much as look at each other the wrong way and the battle begins.

Some people say that is normal for siblings. Yes, it is – but only to a point. What I am speaking of is the extremes. The wall punching, breaking glass extremes.

“They need more hardlined consequences.” *shy* if I had a dollar for every time I heard this…well, you know the drill. I wonder, sometimes, if people actually believe I hadn’t tried everything…children with the issues my two have do NOT respond to man-made ‘normal’ consequences. They just don’t. I can tell my two year old that if he colours on the table I will take his markers away and know that the next time he will be more prudent. My teens – it never worked…never. I tried. I tried everything.

My husband is the martyr in my life – no he’s not dead. He loves my older two as his own and has always been a wonderful step-dad to them. He listens. He cares. I can’t even begin to explain how much of a good person he was and is to have taken ALL of us on knowing how many issues we have. I told him up front and was honest about it all, he still loves us. WE are deserving of love. My teens more than I can say are so deserving of that love. When they have their good weeks – as I said above – they are amazing. Helpful, kind, considerate, polite to the point I have had strangers compliment my parenting! That felt wonderful.

I didn’t really know where I was going with today’s posts. I write this blog as a coping/healing mechanism for myself. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most open person, but this felt right.

If you are a parent dealing with high needs children – no matter the diagnosis – know you are not alone. Your child is NOT damaged, your child is NOT disabled, your child IS worth every step, your love WILL help even in the darkest times, YOU are worth it. You’re sanity and health needs must come first though, don’t make my mistake of neglecting yourself to the point of not knowing how to get back to you. If you can’t help yourself, you will never be able to help anyone else effectively (notice I added effectively – you can help, but you will be running on empty always as I do). Love yourself and allow yourself to be loved.

Stop being a sucker for pain, and start being a lover of healing and peace. Even if you can only do that for you – the side benefit is that your child WILL by default have a better chance as you will have more patience and calm.

Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons w/ Logic & Ty Dolla $ign ft X Ambassadors – Sucker for Pain

A Break in the Clouds

“Fuck this.
Fuck this wondering. Fuck this trying and trying. Fuck this belief that two people can become one ideal. Fuck this helplessness. Fuck this waiting for something to happen that probably won’t ever happen.”David Levithan, Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Does anyone actually ever catch a break?


Since February I have had a lot of shit happen. I was actually listing it off and decided it was easier just to say it’s been a really crappy start to 2016. I’m hoping things turn around now…

Can I haz nap now plz?

Between the pets, hubby (diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few weeks ago), and the teens and toddler…I’m ready for an extended break

I have a break in the clouds tomorrow at least – my mom paid for me to get a massage. I can’t wait. Hopefully my heart will stop thumping before then.

Rob Zombie – Living Dead Girl

I’m Alive

“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.” F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

It never ceases to amaze me how fast time seems to run when things feel insane. Life sometimes feels like one massive train wreck that you can’t tear your eyes away from. You can’t stop it, you know it’s going to happen, and you have to sit and watch the whole thing unfold.

I just looked – I last posted on May 3rd…over a month ago.

A month can change so much. Heck, a day can see the world change, so can an hour.

In the last month I have had to put down my 10 year old dog, I adopted two bearded dragons (one of whom has an infected crack in her jaw *educate yourselves before getting a pet people!!!), I am preparing for my kids to finish school, I have had two gum grafts, my 14 year old received a tournaround achievement award (WOOT WOOT!), my 16 year old – ok, she’s the same – my husband has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s (early stages), and the list goes on.

I also get braces on in 2 weeks Dean shocked

I know – crazy.

Oh yeah – did I mention my husband has Parkinson’s?

To say our family is stressed would be an understatement.Dean-W-dean-winchester-21433645-500-282.gif

But I have to say these two cuties have definitely given me an awesome distraction

This is Evee (she’s the one with the infected jaw, and underweight, and dehydrated, etc, poor baby girl) –
EveeThis is Gonzo (originally named Steg, but Gonzo suits him way better) – and just like his namesake – he is overconfident and a complete goof LOLGonzo

I am grateful to the Oromocto SPCA for letting me adopt these two gorgeous beast. I love bearded dragons. I had two many years ago that I had to part with due to – well, due to the fact I was a broke single mom all of a sudden and they were apparently illegal in my province at the time (they are now legal, YAY!).

If you want to learn more about Bearded Dragons I can recommend a few sites. Actually, I think I’ll do up a whole separate post for that. It will be long. Mostly, remember to PLEASE PLEASE educate yourself. Gonzo and Evee were housed together for a long time – they never should have been. Bearded dragons are solitary creatures – what you see as cute and bonding – like laying on each other and arm waving – are actually signs of dominance, territorial assertions, and submission.

I’ll try to post more in the next while. But, mostly, I wanted to let ya’ll know I am still alive. I am here. I am actually content right now in the midst of this storm. I miss my Lucky Bear and keep hearing him whimper even though he is gone. I am worried about my husband and what our future holds – but I am HERE.

Sia – Alive


“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

“Mothers are all slightly insane.” ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I sometimes think I am slowly going insane, and my children love it so much that they push for it.

They really went for broke this morning…to the point that an hour later, my heart is still pounding.

Teenagers…you want to give them freedom to fly, but you don’t want them to crush you either.

I agree with Salinger, all mothers must be at least slightly insane – you have to be to deal with all the issues and traumas. Fathers too, I really shouldn’t leave them out.

Music though – it’s the balm to the teenaged wounds…

Suicidal Tendencies – Institutionalized