“There are too many books I haven’t read, too many places I haven’t seen, too many memories I haven’t kept long enough.” ― Irwin Shaw

Time has been on my mind a lot lately. How much time is left before my eldest gets her license…then graduates. How much time is left before my middle child does the same. How long will it take for my youngest to tell me I am mean and he hates me.

I’ve made no secret of it – I have MS. When you have plaques (scars, really – plaques is a nice way to say your brain damaged) it affects everything. My anxiety has worsened and my ADD as well – both to the point that I have to take medication for them. I am not able to focus long enough to meditate  – which would be the ideal calming balm to my restless, damaged mind.

Time weighs on me.

My father’s mother had Alzheimer’s. There is such a beast as MS dementia, very similar. A person on the outside can look completely healthy, but the brain literally gets eaten away by the disease.

Time frightens me.

With every passing day, I feel my insecurities, my lack of willpower, my inabilities grow in volume – their voices drowning out the ones that scream to fight!

Even now I rely on spell check programs to ensure I make as few errors as possible.

I’m not too bad – not really. I am still able to work full-time. I do have bad days. I have had a lot of stress in recent months – my doctor believes I am having an MS flare. The numbness is what bothers me most. No one can see it. They can’t feel it. But it is ALWAYS there. It never leaves, at least not lately. I have had to get glasses – one nearsighted eye, one farsighted. I am in physiotherapy trying to build my body back to from where it has fallen. Arthritis in my knees, and neck. But the stress – yes, stress is a MS trigger. Without stress, I probably would be ok. But, who can avoid stress?

Right?

I’m not having a pitty party though – NO, do not mistaken this for that. This is more my way of explaining why I haven’t posted in a long while. Time runs away from me. I get caught up in trying to keep up, and all else falls to the side.

This is my way of putting it all out and bringing myself back out from the dark. It’s my battle cry – NO I will NOT go gently into that good night…

I WILL NOT.

Cyndi Lauper – Time After Time