Tag: tired

Unpretty

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“I wish could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today (yeah)

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Every time I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin’

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty
(Yeah) I’ll make you feel unpretty too

Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m bein’ stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me (hey)

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Every time I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
Believe I’m just trippin’ yeah

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty
I’ll make you feel unpretty too

I’ll make you feel unpretty

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make”

-Writer/s: Francine Vicki Golde, Dennis Lambert, Dallas L. Austin, Duane S. Hitchings, Tionne Tenese Watkins. Publisher: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

It’s funny how so much external and internal ‘junk’ can make us feel. I’ve always had low self-esteem. Why did I quote the whole song? Because, after all this time, it still rings true.

I’m always telling my friends that I have a laundry list of plastic surgery I would get if I could afford to. Liposuction, tummy tuck, butt lift, breasts reduction/lift (actually, that one is more medical since I have arthritis in my back), arm and thigh tucks, get that damn turkey neck gone. Yes, that really is my list. Oh, and electrolysis so I can permanent get rid of the hair I hate.

I can in all honestly say that I don’t like myself – probably detest myself. Everyone says that in order to really love, you need to love yourself first. If that were true, I would never love anything – but it’s not. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my family, my pets, my friends. I just don’t love myself and I really can’t see how I could.

Is that sad? I don’t think so – I think it’s realistic. I’m not one who resorts to such types realism often but in this case, it is a must. My MS has in a way made it worse. My inability to lose weight, to focus, to sleep well. My inability to even go for a decent walk without needing to rest for days afterwards. My inability to do things others take for granted – it all impacts my self-image. I full and well know it is an image of my creation. No one can see me the way I do. It’s been formulated over 44 years of horrid self-talk, bullying, verbal, mental and other forms of abuse.

Have I sought therapy? Yes, many times over. I’m tired of the platitudes that truly do nothing for me. I’ve tried all the exercises, I’ve tried journalling, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve quite literally tried it all. The biggest issue – if you can’t focus all of those things are for naught.

I love this song. To me, the other person in the song is just me on the inside. It’s two sides of the same coin – feeling like you look amazing only to have those inner voices tell you how much shit you are and that you are only fooling yourself. I’m sure it was written about a person who is thinking a significant other who is abusive; but to me it’s about self-abuse, self-denigration.

I’ve stopped wearing make-up, it takes too long. I’ve stopped trying to look stylish – I feel like I look like an old bat even trying. My social life is limited and I prefer hiding in my cave (home). I try to force myself out, but I always feel like my family is embarrassed to be with me in public even when logically I know they aren’t. I never wanted to be that fat mom. I never wanted to be that stupid person. More and more that’s exactly how I feel. My friends used to tease me over my jokes as I often thought the funny ones involved puns and large words and double entendres. Now, I’m lucky if I can remember how to spell, let alone get the jokes I used to love.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling unpretty. I’m tired of feeling stupid. I’m tired of never being enough. I’m just tired.

TLC – Unpretty

Fallen

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” ― Ernest Hemingway

I live with many mask.

I wear them at different times, sometimes together.

Right now, for instance, on the outside I wear the mask of the dutiful worker, compliant and conforming (well, mostly). I wear the mask of the dutiful mother, wife, daughter.

Inside, where there are no masks to wear, I am broken.

On the weekend, I wore the mask of mom. It’s not really a mask though, it is one of my many aspects, but it masks the pain and anguish.

My head/scalp, neck and shoulders have been numb for a couple of weeks now. My doctor believes my MS is flaring a bit. I get symptoms, but haven’t had a full flare in years. My MS is considered mild.

Cognitively, my MS has robbed me of so much. Memories gone, thoughts scattered in the wind.

Depression has become my constant companion. Even with the joy of starting to lose weight, my children, new pets, life…it is always there. Sometimes harsher than at others.

When the depression comes, I wear the mask of happiness, a false smile, over exuberance to compensate for the lack of true emotive joy.

Few things truly make me happy now. My children. When my youngest smiles at me, my heart smiles back. My pets…my bearded dragon and my budgies (my two newest additions) get me out of bed in the morning and functioning because they depend on me to survive. I love these two little birds. They are still juveniles, but we think they are male as their ceres are a purplish hue (adult males have blue ceres – the area around the nostrils). I’ve only had them since last week, and they already provide me with more than they will ever fathom.

Spook & Lemon

I’m not ok. I wear a mask of being fine, but I know I’m not.

I try. I really truly try.

I feel so broken lately. My older son has so many issues. I love him with all my heart, I love all my children deeply. My older ones have broken me. I don’t know what to do for them anymore, how to help them, how to cope. Even if I am right and they know it, I am still wrong, that in itself is not unusual – the reactions from them, however, are.

I’m tired. I want to spend a month in bed, but my body would ache from the pressure on it.

I’m tired of this rollercoaster. Just once would I so love to have a day of peace. No arguing, no loud noises, no door slams, no stomping, no screaming at me, no swearing at me, no expectations. Just one day to ‘be’.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Sarah McLachlan – Fallen

Tired

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.”
― Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell

Fitting poem for today. I think I now understand why my doctor wanted me off work longer. I am tired as fuck.

My new anxiety/depression medication is working great. My new sleep medication…yeah…it leaves a little to be desired.

Oh, MS – you FUCKING SUCK.

I had my chiropractor suggest a clinic an hour away that treats hormonal issues. She mentioned that many of my symptoms could be caused by a hormone imbalance. Unfortunately, I have used so much time already for orthodontic work, eye care, dental care, doctors, physiotherapist…one over an hour away will have to wait until next year I fear.

I’m not one to swear a lot in my writing, but today is a swear worthy day. I feel like a train wreck happening in slow motion. You know that the train is going to derail, but you try to think of a way to stop because you think you have time, but time is part of the illusion and delusion.

Exhaustion headaches, numbness in my scalp, brain fog, numbness…oh wait, I already said that.

Bright side – it’s almost the weekend and I can have a bit of rest as it is a long weekend. I have an old friend coming over for a barbecue this evening, and hope to be asleep before 9 tonight…hope. I always have hope. Maybe that’s part of the delusion.

I’m tired as fuck with no end in sight.

Well…maybe I can knit or colour tonight too…that’s a silver lining for me…or game. Sidebar – the new WoW expansion (Legion) is freaking awesome.

The Tragically Hip – Tired As Fuck

I forgot my meds

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.” ― Courtney Allison Moulton, Wings of the Wicked

So…I have ADD and MS…and anxiety…and…and…

I chronically feel tired to exhausted while not being able to focus on a single thing and worrying that something, somewhere (involving me or not) is going wrong and IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

Most days, I am O.K.(ish). I take my medications that help me focus, stay awake, and not panic.

The kids were so off this morning. I totally fell out of routine.

UGH. Stupid routines. On missed step and the meds get forgotten.

Today is a weird day…I’m zoned out, sort of functional, and itchy (allergies to dust and no antihistamine in me = awesome dermographic itchy skin).

I’d almost think I was stoned except that the only drug I have had is caffeine and not nearly as much as I normally do since my stomach is saying a big fuck you to me…fun times.

Hours of Pain – Jump Around

Solitude

On By NB GwenIn The JourneyLeave a comment

“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” ― Honoré de Balzac

I’ve been fairly quiet on here the last few days, deep in thought, mired in work and worry. It’s a rare moment when I have true solitude to refresh myself. I actually don’t remember the last time I could just sit, breath, meditate, envelop myself in the peace of solitude.

I believe everyone should have moments when they can just be. No pressure, no one to talk to, no outside maneuverings – just being.

I’m in a weird mood. I’m bucking against conformity, while being a conformist. I’m also in the midst of a sidebar in case your wondering (I tend to have strange lines of thought – they aren’t linear most of the time). I would LOVE to dye my hair blue…there is a women at my building who has hers blue and I LOVE it (she must have just done it). I bought 2 colours of blue last year when I was on maternity leave, but never did it. Now I’m in an office structure and feel like I can’t. I’m also in my 40s. I feel almost like I’m too old to do the funky colours anymore. It makes me sad.

I’m also really tired. I know it’s just my youngest and I tonight. I have to do the cat litter. I guess I’ll have some solitude tonight. I’m hoping to crash early, as I’m on the verge of sleeping now…at work. Not so great.

I need to walk my dogs too.

I need to lose weight.

I think those two are mutually inclusive….maybe.

I think getting more sleep would help too. Maybe.

Working in the yard would help.

Gardening, planting flowers, filling that sandbox.

Maybe

Maybe I should just let it all go and run wild in the forest,

I don’t think so.

Peaceful Solitude Mix