Happy and Torn

 

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” E.B. White

I don’t know that I have ever read someone put so succinctly how I feel. I went to Goodreads looking for a quote on challenges and this was the first one to come up in the search.

I adopted two bearded dragons in June – Gonzo and Evee. I actually received them the day after I had to put my little Lucky Bear dog down. They distracted me and gave me what I needed to stay on track. They still do.

I’m not sure what their previous owners were like. I know that they were surrendered as they didn’t have the paperwork to take them back home with them to their country of origin. Gonzo and Evee had been housed together. That, for me, was the first sign of issues.

In the contents of their effects from their previous life was caloric supplement. This would be for Evee. Gonzo is 6, Evee is 5. Gonzo is 20 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail…Evee is 17 – malnourished, dehydrated when I received her.

The shelter was not accustomed to lizards, so they would not have known what was ‘normal’ and what was not. Gonzo is definitely domineering of Evee – this is normal for a male and female dragon.

Soon after receiving them, I separated them, but not soon enough. Poor Evee somehow received a fracture to the right side of her jaw and it became infected. I didn’t realize this until the infection developed into a lump. After weeks of antibiotics, and losing my Bronco, I got her jaw x-rayed so we could see what was going on. The fracture runs straight through her jaw bone BUT it’s a ‘clean fracture. In other words – if we could get that infection out of there, it should heal on it’s own.

Yesterday Evee went in for surgery to have the abscess debrided (remove the infection). It went AMAZING!!! My vet is a superstar! She never performed this type of surgery before, but she researched it as much as she could before performing it. Last time I saw Evee (this morning before leaving for work) she looked fantastic! She’s investigating, she’s moving around, and she shows no ill effects from the anesthesia. The wound will remain open to heal from the inside out.

I am so happy that we have this silver lining in our clouds. It seems like there has been so much wrong in the world lately – even something as small as a bearded dragon getting healthy makes me smile.

I’ve been so torn up lately with all the negative, it feels good to feel happy.

I will improve my world one step at a time, one creature at a time, one soul at a time. I will enjoy it every moment I am capable of doing so.

Rihanna – Umbrella (Orange Version) ft. Jay-Z

 

Candlelight

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton (source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/edithwhart100511.html?src=t_inspirational).

I want to be that candle. Now to get my body to agree with me. I’m trying to be upbeat. It’s not working. I’m having a bad day.

I joined our biggest loser thing here at my office. I lost a few pounds. I went to get weighed this morning and discovered I’d gained them back. I’m discouraged. I’m disgusted. I feel like crying. I’m in pain from my two walks yesterday. I feel like all I do is complain or make excuses. I’m also told I’m too hard on myself, but personally, I think I’m not hard enough.

I look in the mirror with disgust. Yes, I really do hate my body. I guess you could say I’m a thin, fit woman on the inside. That fit woman is begging to get out. She hates what she feels and doesn’t know – no – has forgotten how to attain her goals.

Baby steps. I need to remember that all good, positive change happens in baby steps. I do have health problems – I can’t just lunge into things and expect immediate change.

I’m the mirror watching the candle burn at both ends. I want to be the candle, breathing in the air around me, using it to fuel my transformation. Glow strong and bright.

The rain outside, though cleansing, isn’t helping my mood. The dampness has settled into my lungs and I am once again wheezing…and I can’t find my inhaler. *facepalm* Sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far. I won’t melt in the rain, sometimes I even love to dance in it, but I prefer to be shielded by an umbrella.

Rihanna – Umbrella: