“Don’t sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Self-sabotage. I do it. I do it almost daily. I do it in my mental blocks. I do it in my self-loathing. I do it in my journey to health. I do it without consciously realizing I am doing it.

I keep hearing quips in my head. Little fragments of happy-go-lucky sayings that scratch at my brain, demanding attention. “You got this!”, “You can do it!”, “Baby steps!”, “One day at a time.” “Just keep swimming.” (Actually, I love that last one, Dory is awesome).

This past summer I have had more energy and drive than I have had in YEARS. I wish that was hyperbolic, but it is, unfortunately, not.

I’ve been cutting old death growth off of the trees around our property, cutting back overgrown bushes. Getting thorns stuck in my hands from old rose bushes. I’ve been cleaning up old growth and creating a fence of sorts from the old branches and growth (nothing garbaged, everything re-used of composted). I’ve felt more capable this year than – well, I don’t remember that.

Back at the end of June or start of July (brain fog, can’t remember when for sure), I fell off my deck. This wouldn’t be a huge deal, it’s only a foot tall. What is the big deal is that there was a big stump where I fell…and I hit is HARD with my left shin. I almost passed out.

Fast forward to almost 2 weeks ago. My left leg on the inside (anterior) beside the shin (tibia) starting hurting like hell. I decided to finally get it checked, especially since I still have bruising on my leg. I had injured my tibialis tendon – impact injury. It caused bad inflamation (seen on x-ray). I was told to rest, take anti-inflamatories.

Ok, not a bad thing…right? Wrong. I see the bariatric surgeon on the 23rd of this month to see if I am ready for gastric bypass surgery. My health issues make it hard to impossible to lose enough weight on my own – even with all the work I’ve done this summer, including walking our adorable pup, I have only managed to lose two pounds. In order to have gastric bypass you have to do certain things. One of those is NO NSAIDs, which are anti-inflamatories. Another – 30 minutes of exercise a day. The exact opposite of what the doctor said would heal my tendon.

On top of the anterior tibialis tendonitis, I also have tendonitis in my left elbow and my carpal tunnel in both hands has increased, most noticeably in my right.

What does all this mean? Fucked if I know. I feel like the universe is telling me to stay fat and I’m flipping the bird at the universe – even the constantly numb middle finger.

It’s like the powers that be are saying fuck you bitch – and I’m yelling back at them to BRING IT ON.

Have I sabotaged myself this time? Maybe. Personally, I would rather keep my energy going than lie down and absorb it all again. I don’t want to go gently into anything – I’m raging against it. I’m over all this pain and depression. It is constantly trying to suck me into that vortex of nothingness. The spiral of stagnation.

Am I going to keep this energy going? I honestly don’t know, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.

Bonus – our baby girl is getting bigger…she’s 40 lbs at 5 months old. Sweet Dahlia – she’s a handful, but I love her snuggles and her.

Beastie Boys – Sabotage