“A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.” ― Courtney Allison Moulton, Wings of the Wicked
So…I have ADD and MS…and anxiety…and…and…
I chronically feel tired to exhausted while not being able to focus on a single thing and worrying that something, somewhere (involving me or not) is going wrong and IT’S ALL MY FAULT.
Most days, I am O.K.(ish). I take my medications that help me focus, stay awake, and not panic.
The kids were so off this morning. I totally fell out of routine.
UGH. Stupid routines. On missed step and the meds get forgotten.
Today is a weird day…I’m zoned out, sort of functional, and itchy (allergies to dust and no antihistamine in me = awesome dermographic itchy skin).
I’d almost think I was stoned except that the only drug I have had is caffeine and not nearly as much as I normally do since my stomach is saying a big fuck you to me…fun times.
It’s been one of those days. One of those – I’m tired as hell, goofy, and have the attention span of a – oh wait…look what I found –
This has got to be one of the quirkiest, funniest things I have seen in a long time. I showed my 15 year old daughter. I can now randomly whisper Shia LaBeouf to her and watch her giggle and shudder all at once. It’s hilarious, trust me.
Rob Cantor – “Shia LaBeouf” Live
That was quirk, now on to dirt…
“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” ― Margaret Atwood, Bluebeard’s Egg(Source: Goodreads – this place serious has it all).
LOL – wut? Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Apparently, these ancient gold vessels have a dark residue that is indeed opium and cannabis. A quote from the article – “Analysis on a sticky black residue in the golden cups revealed the objects were used to hold a concoction of opium and cannabis, which mirror the writings of Greek historian Herodotus, who said: “Scythians used a plant to produce smoke that no Grecian vapour-bath can surpass which made them shout aloud.””
Indeed, now we know why the smoke was unsurpassed.
“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist (Source: Goodreads).
I had a very bizarre dream last night.
First a bit of background. I have been sick a LOT in the last few months. I started decluttering our library/computer room just before getting super sick. I now have a pile of stuff to sort through in my kitchen and a smaller pile in the library/computer room. No one else can apparently do this chore save I. It has been weighing on me and now my in-laws are due to visit THIS weekend.
Back to the dream.
North Korea was invading. No one actually said it was North Korea, I just knew (weird). I was in a huge panic to move ALL our stuff in the house to my parents house because we were being evacuated and had about 48 hours to get out before we were in danger. We had so much stuff…I kept saying “how will we get it ALL OUT!”; ” We don’t have enough BOXES OR BAGS!”; “The china will BREAK!” – note: I own no china. From the pattern, it was my mother’s china. Actually, a lot of the furniture was my parents – their hutch, dinning room set, etc. Again – so bizarre.
Hubby took the kids to my parents place, and when he came back I was in full blown panic asking, “Where are the kids? Aren’t they going to help!”. He says, “You told me to take them to your parents house.” Oh, right. Then somehow we ended up in a house that we were buying – I’ve seen this house before, in a DIFFERENT dream. There is obvious something about it.
The house is old, turn of the 1900s Victorian type. It has a turret, many staircases, a creepy basement, open & airy rooms, etc. In my last dream about it the floors were rotting and we were almost falling through. In this dream, it looked like it had been renovated – all cleaned up, no more rotting floors and the sun was shining (the last dream was dark).
Then I woke up. So bizarre.
Needless to say, my night was LONG (the dream felt like it took ALL night). I’m now feeling completely exhausted. I saw the dawn before all others.
Today, I have to finish the painting I am doing for my mother (a woodland cottage type scene), and CLEAN. I really don’t want any more dreams like that.
Often times I feel the need to ignore my wants and desires, to hide behind a mask and begrudge myself. Shakespeare is correct – you should always aim to be true to yourself. Be who you are, not who you think others want you to be.
Too often we are caught up in the rat-race of life. Get up, get ready, go to work, work all day, get home, cook, (clean if you can), get the kids sorted, go to bed. Maybe some downtime in there, usually not. The daily grind is exhausting. I feel like a sheep following the shepherd of life. I want to be the wolf that trails at the edges and does not compromise even in the face of death. Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but it gets the point across.
I dream of the day I can colour my hair weird and wonderful colours, I’ve even thought of putting my hair in small dreds…but that would look awful on me (I think). Instead, I mainstream myself. Normal hair, normal clothes, normal, normal, normal. It’s not who I am in the least. I also know that I will not get to retire for at least another 20 years or more because of the way our government is. It’s deflating.
I must find other ways of being true to me. This blog is one of them. I love music, I love to write, I love poetry. I can be anything I want to be on here and love it.
Ever have your brain go numb? Mine does; it physically feels numb…how does that happen? I mean, I know I have mild MS but if my brain is numb, why isn’t anything else affected?
Mind you, today, I feel spiny…not sure how else to describe it. I’m totally exhausted (yay evil cough in the night), and numb, and loopy. Weird.
Life Through My Eyes 
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