“Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather.” ― Robert Jordan
Mental health is a battle. A battle with yourself. A battle with society. A battle with perception. A battle with judgement.
Battles aren’t meant to be fought alone. A soldier never enters a field without his fellows.
When I hear the word battle, I think of something tragic, hard, frustrating, painful. Mental health is all of those…and more.
No one chooses to have to deal with all that. No one wakes up in the morning thinking, “Hey, I think I’ll be depressed today and not function in life.” Who wants that? No ONE.
With chronic illness, comes a host of chronic issues. Depression. Anxiety. Fatigue. Feelings of inadequacy. Regret. Fear. All of those and so much more.
Every day I wake up, I prepare myself for battle. Some days, I rock it. I win that day. Others, I flounder and trip over the simplest things and feel the judgement of the world on my shoulders.
“Love yourself!” That’s what I always hear from others. “You will never be happy with yourself, until you love yourself.” I really wish it was that easy. I envy those who are capable of doing just that.
Every day I wake up wondering if I will ever be enough. Enough for my husband. Enough for my children. Enough for my pets. Enough for my job.
I want to sleep. Not the regular type. I want to curl up in my bed and not move for days. But my body aches throughout the night, my bladder wakes me up. My hips tell me I can’t lay for too long and I have to keep moving. I have to keep going. I have to keep working.
For now, I have to keep moving. The weight of everything weighs on me, and I have no idea how to set myself free.
Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara) – Heavy