“Duty is heavy as a mountain, death is light as a feather.”  ― Robert Jordan

Mental health is a battle. A battle with yourself. A battle with society. A battle with perception. A battle with judgement.

Battles aren’t meant to be fought alone. A soldier never enters a field without his fellows.

When I hear the word battle, I think of something tragic, hard, frustrating, painful. Mental health is all of those…and more.

No one chooses to have to deal with all that. No one wakes up in the morning thinking, “Hey, I think I’ll be depressed today and not function in life.” Who wants that? No ONE.

With chronic illness, comes a host of chronic issues. Depression. Anxiety. Fatigue. Feelings of inadequacy. Regret. Fear. All of those and so much more.

Every day I wake up, I prepare myself for battle. Some days, I rock it. I win that day. Others, I flounder and trip over the simplest things and feel the judgement of the world on my shoulders.

“Love yourself!” That’s what I always hear from others. “You will never be happy with yourself, until you love yourself.” I really wish it was that easy. I envy those who are capable of doing just that.

Every day I wake up wondering if I will ever be enoughEnough for my husband. Enough for my children. Enough for my pets. Enough for my job.

I want to sleep. Not the regular type. I want to curl up in my bed and not move for days. But my body aches throughout the night, my bladder wakes me up. My hips tell me I can’t lay for too long and I have to keep moving. I have to keep going. I have to keep working.

For now, I have to keep moving. The weight of everything weighs on me, and I have no idea how to set myself free.

Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara) – Heavy


“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” Jerome K. Jerome

ZING! That pretty much sums up how my day is going. I LOVE my job, but between the lack of sleep and fog brain…or brain fog…I’m not functional today. I really should see about taking the rest of the day off. I don’t like feeling like this and not fulfilling my goals for the day.

Britney Spears – Work Bitch

Money, Money, Money

Wouldn’t it be nice if money literally grew on trees? I suppose, though, that if it did it would be of no value. There would be too much of it. A moratorium on new forms of currency would be had. Everyone would be a multi-millionaire, until the new currency was created. Inflation would skyrocket (I don’t really understand inflation, that’s just an assumption on my part).

I guess I should wish to win the lottery than. Not a huge amount, I’m not talking millions. I would love to win just enough. What do I mean by that? I mean just enough to pay off my house, my vehicles (we have two since my hubby works shifts and I don’t, car pooling is not possible), enough to renovate (kitchen cupboards are coming away from the walls, not good), maybe, just maybe, even landscape. Enough for a fenced-in part of the yard for the dogs. A new front door with no gaps would be nice, a new patio door that opens properly. Heck, an actual patio so that there is no longer a 6 foot drop out the patio door.

I was a divorced single mom for a long time, renovating, decks, and fences were not in my future. I found a wonderful person to share my life with and just when we our credit cards paid off and starting to save – he lost his job…while I was off work on Mat leave with the baby. This last year has been hard financially. Health issues, and teen issues have only added to the stress. What does stress do? Cause a MS flare up possibly. My MD is sending me for an MRI. I don’t know when, but I do know he marked it urgent. We’ll see.

I’m not whining by the way, and I hope this post doesn’t come across that way. My kids and I often verbalize what we would do if we won the lotto. It’s fun to dream and even more healthy to hope. Not hope about winning money (we all know what the chances of that are LOL), but hope for a better tomorrow by working hard today for it.

Here’s to hoping, working, dreaming, and living.

Abba – Money Money Money:

Something on my Mind

Numbness. Lots of it. Ever have that internal debate with yourself whether something is bad enough to go get checked by a doctor? I was at our local ER a week ago for a lung infection (yay prednisone). I don’t want to be seen as a hypochondriac. I have a mild form of MS. My head is numb – forehead, head, neck. I feel weird but can’t put a finger on how I feel weird. That’s weird, right?

So, I’m sitting here at work, trying to be functional and failing. What do I do? Blog about it. The numbness is down to my upper back/shoulders, and into my face. I am beyond exhausted – that tiredness where you actually feel awake, but know you are really tired. The struggle is real folks. Quicksand all around me.

Maybe if I’m like this tomorrow I’ll go in…maybe. Hubby works till later, kids need to be tended to, baby picked up from the sitter. Push the exhaustion and numbness aside and carry on.

Kansas – Carry On My Wayward Son